You are viewing violentviolet09

Sep. 9th, 2012

so my best friend decided it was ok to hang out with my soon to be ex husband. \

like 7 or 8 times. in 2 weeks since weve been separated.

they went to the beach with my kids and her kid.

he drops her off at meetings and rides to work.

this is wrong isnt it? shes not considering my feelings? she was my best friend.....

would you hang out with your BEST friends ex husband, AND lie about it?

Aug. 31st, 2012

for a while my eyes hurt so bad from crying. my nose was stuffed. i gagged on my spit. i guess its the first panic attack i had in a while. my heart still feels wrenched on. i feel extremely alone even when im with people. but at the same time i have my chin up. i still choke up when i think of things. its ok . breathe. i sigh a lot tho.

i moved out of my husbands house and am living with my mother and two children. akward. my husband said he wanted a divorce. ehm. he doesnt want to be married anymore. its hard to spit out. or even type. we split up but he was the one who told me it. i didnt really go back begging because he told me that i would never be the person he wanted me to be. so i kinda just said "ok". i guess i love him so much i dont want to make him miserable, and i hope he feels the same way. so if you love something let it go?

i suppose so. i can breathe. i see something in my future. but it sucks. because basically ive been kicked out of my house. i was a home maker for almost 3 years. i didnt earn a dollar and i didnt buy anything so im kind of left with just what i have, or have been given. i dont have a bed or a tv or a playstation or movies really even. we were planning on buying a house within the next year, and getting me a new car.

time for me to find a job. ha. i am planning on going to school though. i can get grants and loans and im just going to do it. theres a lot available for me so i am going to go for the gold and try to become a CNA or a phlebotomist.

all in all. ill get thru it. i still feel really weird at my mothers house. i dont like it at ALL. i hate it actually. but i plan on getting an apartment within the next 6 months. and staying in school and making good grades. and buying my own damn car. and being really happy. no this isnt something that i wanted. i wanted to be married to charles for the rest of my life. i did. i begged and pleaded him to go to counseling with me but he is tired of me. i guess im tired of it too but its still something i would NEVER have given up on. i dont wanna be an option anymore, i want to be a priority, and i dont want someone whos going to walk away from me. i feel abandoned and i know its going to be hard to get thru this. i still love him very much but its really really depressing that he doesnt feel the same way and thats making that love i have for him feel volatile and evil. gross.

life goes on and new days happen. every day has to be better than the next and im starting over.

Apr. 17th, 2012

awful day.

think im gonna puke.

Apr. 17th, 2012


internet people REALLY dislike me.

Apr. 5th, 2012

i wish i could go. this is my dream.

Apr. 3rd, 2012

broke my tailbone when i was drunk

no more drinking for me.

at least i have some pain meds for a while

and some green goddessy herbs. i would be in a world of hurt with out. but its running low and im getting depressed. hoepfully i can find more of each to satisfy.

oh. and im getting my tattoo finished next week. more blues and purples. hahah $400 on my arm. better be pretty :D

Apr. 1st, 2012

found out i was pregnant last week.

oh lawd.

Mar. 30th, 2012

gonna get drunk by myself.

i dislike today. my husband lied to me.

and im getting called out.

he LIED to me., he told me he goes to the BAR to have a drink after work , turns out he goes to a strip club. and im CRAZY for mentioning he should hide it better or go to krispy kreme with a 40 oz and just drink there.

i feel like hes cheated on me. he said hed bring me milk and beer but its been a half hour im feeling like thats not happening. i think im just ditched with the kids and hes going drinking on a work night

whatever dude

like i said i feel cheated on and lied to. and now he wont even come home. he says he doesnt want to talk about it and drag it on but im trying to tell him how i feel. i never accused him of anything. i never called him a name. but im angry that he lied and he wont just find another bar to go to. is HAS to be that one strip joint



Mar. 30th, 2012

if i had a face for these words to fall out
id show you
but im pretty sure that whats left inside is ugly and gray
im tempted to write a river, and let it tumble over you
in one way that would work
sometimes things just ebb and flow
time turned to glue while i sat there and pondered if i could even vomit
i wanted what came up to be sellable and delicate
but it was all shit
i tried for once in vain
never to try again

Mar. 30th, 2012

thats just the way it is

things will never be the same